I'm a mess right now, inside out
by once anon a time
Summary: AU. Bellarke. Bellamy and Clarke are living together but things aren't working out and they break up… (Title taken from Ed Sheeran)


_**N.B. I own nothing but owe a debt of recognition to the writers of the 100 for their characters.**_

"It's not just that you stood me up Bellamy! It's that you're never here anymore!"

Clarke screamed at Bellamy as he stood in the doorframe hands on his hips his dark brows furrowed.

"Jesus Christ Clarke, I'm working!"

"But you're always working.."

"Because I have to!"

"But you don't, you don't have to, it's like you don't even want to be here anymore."

"It's not that and you know it!"

"How, Bellamy, how am I supposed to know it?"

"You just don't understand, you never have, I've had to work my whole life just to scrape by, just to survive."

"But you don't have to work that hard anymore, you've got me."

"It's your money Clarke, it will always be your money and you will never get what it feels like, you've had everything provided for you for your whole life, it's always been easy for you. You have your little play job at the gallery and you think that's what it's like for all of us."

"God, it's always been about the money with you. You've never been able to get passed that and I'm sick of apologising for my upbringing. I didn't choose it. What do you expect, that I cut myself off just to know what it's like to struggle?"

"Don't be stupid, you could always just go home and have anything you wanted."

Clarke was red in the face and practically panting from the exertion as she stared back at Bellamy barely recognising the man she had lived with for six months.

"I can't win, can I? You're never going to get over the fact that I'm rich?"

She wasn't screaming anymore. Her voice was small and weak. She clenched her small hands into fists next to her.

"This just isn't going to work."

He paused running a hand through his curly black hair in exasperation before lifting his eyes to look back at her to find the fire lit again in her eyes.

"Is that it then? It's just over because you don't like the fact I'm rich?"

"It shouldn't be this hard, should it? We shouldn't fight this much, we shouldn't struggle to get on, we shouldn't be so different."

"You're the one making it hard Bellamy. Finn never had a problem with the money..."

"You want me to be more like Finn? The asshole who two timed you? Well sure Clarke, maybe I'll go out and find myself a bit on the side."

"Yeah sure, real mature Bellamy."

"Why not? Roma's been gagging for it for months. She'd put out in a heartbeat, Princess" Bellamy sneered.

"Fine, if you want to give up and leave, just go, I'm not going to stop you. Go enjoy being with that slut!"

Bellamy just glared at her before turning on his heels and heading for the bedroom, incensed Clarke followed hot on his heels.

"I'm done with this shit. I'm out."

Clarke didn't have anymore words for him. If he wanted to give up he could. She threw open the wardrobe and started throwing his clothes out at him. She dragged the suitcase out from under the bed and wordlessly began filling it ignoring him stood in the corner watching her. Once the suitcase was suitably full of his clothes she slammed it shut, zipped it and shoved it towards him.

"Leave then."

She glared at him coldly daring him to go. Bellamy was never one to turn down a dare so he silently grabbed the handle of the suitcase turned and left slamming the door on their relationship.

Clarke collapsed down onto the sofa staring at the door sure he would be walking back through it any moment. She stayed up all night hoping to hear his knock but it didn't come. She woke the next morning curled up on the sofa a crick in the neck and an ache in her heart.

She didn't cry. It was weird, it was like she couldn't summon the tears, her eyes were completely dry. She felt empty, like something was missing, deep down she knew what that something was but she steeled herself against admitting it was a Bellamy-shaped hole. She was better off without him.

She wiped off the stale mascara from underneath her eyes and got in the shower. Time to face a new, uncomplicated, single day. She was working at the gallery today and there was a show coming up so it would be a long day. She needed that today.

That week passed in a little bit of a blur leading up to the show she threw herself into her work barely leaving the gallery. There was a lot to do, she rationalised, and she had to make a good impression with her first high profile artist showing at her small gallery. She didn't see any of her friends which was just because she was busy and tired and nothing to do with not wanting to face their questions.

But tonight was the opening and they were going to be there to support her. Bellamy was supposed to be there too but Clarke had removed his name from the list. She was stood nervously at the doors of the gallery waiting to open the doors. She smoothed the creases of her tight black dress with her palms steeling herself for the night ahead. She had to remain professional; she had a lot of schmoozing to do. She didn't have time for emotions. She hadn't received so much as a text from Bellamy since he left. He clearly didn't care so why should she.

"Clarke!"

As the guests entered and were shown towards the canapés and champagne she was accosted by a group of her friends. Or really their friends. She took a deep breath and plastered a smile on her face that didn't quite reach her eyes.

"Hi guys, thanks for making it!"

Nobody spoke. Raven narrowed her eyes and Octavia folded her arms across her chest raising one eyebrow. Lincoln wasn't far behind her holding onto her coat and purse looking decidedly uncomfortable. Jasper looked the most distraught wringing his hands in front of him clearly dying to say something.

"What? Why are you looking at me like that?"

"Clarke please tell me it's not true?" Octavia practically whispered beseechingly.

"What?"

"Don't play that with us Clarke!" Raven interrupted "Have you really broken up with Bellamy?"

"Yes."

An actual gasp was audible from all her friends as they stared at her perplexed.

"Why, for god's sake why on earth would you two break up?" It was Jasper's turn to interject now before a hand was placed on his shoulder to remind his to calm down.

"It just wasn't working. We weren't happy."

"Bullshit, you were the craziestly, weirdestly perfect couple ever!"

"Just because you liked the idea of us doesn't mean it actually worked. We weren't right for each other."

Clarke shrugged and grabbed a glass of champagne from a passing waiter. She would need alcohol if she was to survive this conversation.

"You can't believe it's actually over just because he was late for one date night?"

"It wasn't just one date night, Octavia, I know he's your brother but he has flaws you know that."  
"I do know that, believe me, but so do you Clarke. You can be very blasé about your wealth and that's hard for some of us."

Clarke flinched for a moment allowing the hurt to show before the shield came back up again and Clarke regained her mask.

"You too? I thought you'd take his side Octavia, but I didn't realise you agreed with him. If it's that hard being my friend feel free not to be."

Clarke downed her glass of champagne and turned away from her friends and began to circulate and mingle.

She had a long night of talking to strangers who didn't know anything about her disastrous love life and it was perfect. She skilfully avoided all of her friends for the rest of the evening and spent some considerable time considering whether it would be easier to get new friends as well. Maybe she should just move.

She wasn't proud of it but she snuck out the staff entrance around the back when she spotted Octavia and Raven waiting for her at the door. She didn't need another lecture and the amount of alcohol she had in her she might not be able to hold back from arguing with them too.

She opened the door to her apartment and as soon as she walked in she knew something was different. Something was missing. She wandered into the bedroom shedding her dress and pulling on her pyjama shorts and old t-shirt. Looking through the drawers she knew what was wrong and as she came back out to the kitchen she knew it was true. Bellamy had been here, there was his key on the counter, and the rest of his stuff was gone. She sat on the floor holding the key in her hand and finally the tears fell. She cried all the tears she had been holding back and let them run down her cheeks. Her body was wracked with sobs as her eyes puffed up and her cheeks reddened. She held the key in her hand cradling it against her body. She sat their rocking barely able to breathe nor see through the tears. It was really over. He had left, just walked away, and snuck back in when he knew she was out to retrieve the rest of his things. The apartment felt so empty without him, so cold.

She didn't remember going to sleep but she woke with a headache curled in a ball on her floor. She dragged herself into the kitchen and found the painkillers, she swallowed two before falling into bed. She didn't leave the apartment that week. She phoned in sick taking the rich girl privilege of getting someone else to sort out her problems.

She was only forced out of her pity party by an incessant ringing of her phone. She didn't answer it the first few times it rang but it was clear the person wasn't going to go away when the phone began to ring again. Groaning she rolled over on her bed and fumbled around amongst the rubbish on her bedside table for her phone.

"What?" She mumbled pressing the handset to her ear and closing her eyes.

"Clarke, what the hell is wrong with you? I was over at the gallery today and Ramon said that no one had seen you since opening night? Is this how you plan on running your business?"

"Mom, please, I'm sorry but I'm going through a bit of a hard time right now."

"Is this about that boy?"

"Bellamy, yes it's about him... we broke up."

There was a pause where Clarke knew Abby was composing herself; trying not to sound to gleeful.

"Really?" Abby said with barely constrained joy. "Well you need to move on Clarke and be professional. You have obligations now and you can't just mope around after some boy. It was never going to work anyway."

"Thanks Mom." Clarke moaned her voice dripping with sarcasm.

"Well really Clarke, I supported your decision to become an artist and funded this little gallery of yours and I expect to see you taking this seriously."

"I am taking it seriously Mom, I've worked really hard to get it to where it is, I'm just taking a little time off to deal with some personal issues."

"You're making an awfully big deal out of this break up. It's not like you were in love with the boy."

Clarke was silent.

"Well anyway, I expect to hear you've returned to work next week. None of this moping okay?"

"Yes mom."

Clarke hung up and scrunched her eyes closed. Nothing like a conversation with her mother to make her feel even worse. She didn't want to go into work. She didn't have to work. Bellamy was right, she could be an entitled little princess and live off her trust fund. She could travel. She could give up the gallery and just paint. Maybe she could become a nun. Then she wouldn't have to worry about stupid boys like Bellamy Blake that could make her fall in love then leave her like it was nothing. Being a nun seemed like hard work thought. Maybe she could be a hermit. That could work, all she really needed was netflix and take out.

Clarke was till pondering the benefits of voluntary seclusion when she heard a knocking at her door. She ignored it. But much like her phone the person on the other side of the door just wouldn't give up. Clarke dragged herself out of her bed not pausing to check her reflection and swung open the door.

She didn't have time to register who it was before she was enveloped in a bear hug almost knocking her off her feet. She stiffened initially before relaxing into her arms resting her head in the crook of her best friend's shoulder letting a sob out involuntarily.

"Octavia I'm sorry, I didn't mean to snap at you. I don't want to lose you too." Clarke sniffed as Octavia released her. She still held her by her upper arms and stared into her eyes.

"I don't resent you being rich Clarke. I just don't understand it."

Clarke pulled Octavia back into a hug and felt the girl laugh beneath her.

"What's funny?"

"You're as ridiculous as him you know that?"

"What do you mean?"

"I love you both but you are the most stubborn people I know! Are you really going to throw away everything you have over a stupid fight? I know you two say stupid stuff when you are angry but you are so perfect for each other it's crazy!"

"I kind of think that it's the true feelings that come out when we're really mad, that's when he says the things he really feels. Like I'm not enough for him and he's still got his eyes on other girls."

"Did he really say that?"

Clarke just nodded tearfully shrugging her shoulders.

"Oh honey but you know that's not true. Bellamy's automatic reaction is just to put up that bravado and hide his feelings. He loves you."

"I'm not so sure."

"I am."

"It would be nice if that was something he'd said to me though. Instead of that he wanted to fuck Roma."

Octavia shook her head.

"Did you tell him you loved him?"

Clarke opened her mouth but shut it again choosing instead to shake her head.

"You should see him Clarke, you two need to talk."

Clarke shook her head.

"No it's over Octavia, there's no going back. I know all of you want us to end up together but I just don't see how to mend it now."

"But do you want to?"

Clarke didn't answer.

"Well I'm afraid I'm taking this into my own hands. You two are far too stubborn for your own good. Lincoln!"

Clarke hadn't noticed Lincoln had accompanied Octavia until he was suddenly in front of her.

"Sorry Clarke."

She didn't know why he was apologising until it came abundantly clear when he lifted her off her feet and flung her over his shoulder in a fireman's lift. She beat her arms against his back and squirmed against his grip but she knew it was no good. Lincoln was far too strong for her. She abandoned herself to her fate as he carried her out the apartment, down the stairs and bundled her into the back of Raven's truck. Jasper was sat in the back seat and Lincoln sandwiched her into the middle so that she couldn't escape. Raven was driving and Octavia climbed into the passenger seat. Clarke sat with a frown on her face and her arms crossed across her chest. Octavia turned round to her.

"Sorry about this Clarke but there was no other way, you'll see."

Clarke refused to speak pursing her lips her eyes darkening. It wasn't a long drive before she was being bundled back out of the car and manhandled up the stairs of a fairly familiar apartment building. She should have known Bellamy would run to Miller in a crisis.

The door was opened by an expectant Miller and Clarke waved in faux cheeriness. She hadn't expected Miller to be in on it. It was too much of a girly scheme she would have thought for him to get on board. Jasper and Lincoln didn't count. Lincoln was only acting on Octavia's orders and Jasper was a hopeless romantic. He used to have the hugest crush on Octavia but ever since he found Maya he believed that everyone had their soulmate and once they found them it would be just happily ever after.

"What's she doing here?"

It was the first time she had heard his voice since he had left and it hurt physically like an actual piece of her heat was breaking. She was smart enough to know that heartbreak wasn't literal but it sure felt that way sometimes.

She turned to look at him silently all too aware of the crowd of their friends behind her. He was sat on the sofa in dirty grey sweats and a faded band t-shirt she had bought him from the first gig they went to together. His hair was greasy and unkempt sticking up in great big tufts. She knew she likely didn't look much better. She hadn't changed out of her shorts for several days and she was wearing one of his t-shirts he'd overlooked in his clear out. She had cried when it stopped smelling like him but she hadn't taken it off.

"You two are both equally as stubborn and I knew that neither of you were going to do anything without a little push."

"Jesus, O, you can't mess with people's lives like this!"

"Well at the very least you are not leaving this apartment until you two talk properly. I don't care if you starve to death."

"Oh and fyi, all the windows are locked and the door will be too, cheerio."

The door slammed and locked from the outside. They were trapped.

"You look like shit."

"So do you princess."

Clarke ran a hand over her tangled hair and shrugged.

"I didn't think you'd actually leave."

It was a small voice, barely a whisper, Clarke wasn't even sure she planned to say it but before she could stop herself it was out there and she held her breath as she saw Bellamy process the words and formulate a reply.

"I thought you wanted me to."

"I waited for you to come back."

Bellamy nodded still sat on the sofa with Clarke stood across from him an uncomfortable distance between them. She figured even if he rejected her now it's not like she could feel a whole lot worse than she already did.

"You took me off your list, I didn't get to be there on your biggest night."

"I thought it was just a play job."

"I didn't mean that."

"Did you see Roma?"

"No of course not, I didn't mean that either."

"Well what did you mean Bellamy because it's rather hard to guess which bits were intended!"

Bellamy hung his head.

"I'm not very good at this."

"At what?"

"Explaining how I feel."

Clarke was silent inviting him to continue.

"I know I'm not good enough for you Clarke I don't need your mother to remind me of that. You're a different breed to Octavia and I and maybe we just can't mix. I hate that it makes me feel that way but it does. I can never be the guy that you can be proud to take back to introduce to your parents. I'll never be able to provide for you or not show you up at those fancy do's at the country club. I feel like I'm trying to play a part in a world where I just don't fit in. That just makes me feel shit about myself and where I come from and I shouldn't feel bad about that."

He'd hadn't looked up the whole time he was speaking but when he did Clarke met his eyes not hiding the tears rolling down her cheeks. She can't help herself from moving forwards and kneeling on the floor in front of him raising one hand tentatively to touch his cheek. She took in his dark brown eyes brimmed with tears he wouldn't let fall his long lashes blinking and wiping them away. She remembered each freckle smattered across his nose and cheeks as she had kissed each one. She knew the unpredictable way his hair curled over his face that he always let grow too long before growing annoyed and having it all cut off. She knew this man better than anyone else; his face and his soul. It pained her to think he didn't appreciate how much he meant to her. He was everything.

"You should never doubt your worth Bellamy. You were always worthy of me, it was only you that didn't believe that."

Bellamy raised an eyebrow.

"Maybe my mother as well." Clarke laughed.

"I never cared about any of that. I hated that world. I hated all the expectations and the guilt you were supposed to feel when you fell short. I don't want to be part of that world any more than you do. I don't need you to impress those people, I never asked you to."

She breathed deeply preparing herself to lay it all out there.

"I'm proud of you. I always was. I know my dad would have loved you and I would have loved if he could have met you. He said at the end his biggest regret was not being able to meet the man I was going to marry."

Clarke let her eyes drop her voice wavering as the tears streamed down her cheeks. She pinched the bridge of her nose trying to calm her breathing. Bellamy didn't move. When she looked back at him he was still just staring straight back at her.

"Is that... do you mean...?"

He left the question hanging although Clarke knew what he wanted to know.

"God, you're going to make me spell it out aren't you?"

He nodded a slight smile tugging at the corner of her lips. That's when she knew it was going to be okay.

"It's you. I love you Bellamy Blake. I'm a fool for making you think otherwise and for letting you leave. I've been a mess without you and I didn't want to listen to anyone who told me so. I shouldn't have made you feel..."

Clarke didn't get the chance to finish her sentence before Bellamy cut her off with a kiss pressing his lips to hers in desperation.

"I love you too." He whispered. "And I'm sorry. I never should have left."

"It's okay, just don't do it again."

"I won't."

"Shut up and kiss me again."

So he did.


End file.
